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I had another good talk with J yesterday, though I kept breaking off into tangents.
It’s always good to be honest, and honesty doesn’t usually go hand in hand with an eating disorder. However, we both told eachother we had mixed emotions about living together. As our dietician has told me time and again, it could end up being a great thing, or it could be a sh*t storm.
My weekend was not great. I felt out of control and completely in my eating disorder. I didn’t know how to get out of it. Once the work week started, I went back into “recovery mode,” as structure is good for me.
My therapist called me yesterday afternoon to check in, and I told her I felt better about recovery, but still apprehensive about living with J. This whole situation sucks: her body composition triggers the heck out of me, yet we have so much in common it’s inevitable we will become friends. So except for the whole ED thing (which of course is a big deal), it’s the ideal roommate situation.
Ugh.
So I sent J an email, suggesting maybe we check in once a week with how we’re doing, and what support we might need from each other. She agreed, as long as we have the usual parameters of abstaining from talk about calories, weights, workouts, and foods (well, the food part is hard since we cook together sometimes, but you know what I mean.) So it’s a start. Time will tell, I guess.
Last night, I cut up some old collages I had made in treatment, and fit them into frames. I read a couple of homework assignments that were stuck in my drawing pad. Wow, I have come a long way (baby). I can’t believe it has been a full year since returning to work and leaving intensive treatment.
Treatment was the best thing to happen to me. I was in a desperate place back then, and the only solution was to shell out a good amount of money and go to residential, partial hospital, and intensive outpatient therapy. I am a blessed, blessed, blessed individual to have that kind of money at my disposal (thanks partially to my shellshocked parents) and to have an employer who allowed up to four months of medical leave at full pay.
Residential treatment attacked the purging and (lack of) eating. Though insurance only allowed me to stay ten days, I needed that exact amount of time to prove to myself that I could effectively live a life eating an adequate amount of food without purging. I had never gone that long before. It was hell, but an amazing time of growth.
PHP (Partial Hospital Program) continued to attack the food and purging, while attempting to get at the root of why I had an eating disorder. My relationship with my parents was addressed time and again. I routinely was threatened with being put back in residential because I could not last but a few days without purging. Finally, I got through a weekend without eliminating my food prematurely, and THAT gave me the confidence. It was my breakthrough. I suddenly felt that I could actually recover.
I left my residential and PHP program after a total of two months, and returned home. I attended an Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) nearby for 4 hours every weekday and some Saturdays. The rest of the time was devoted to being acclimated with living without an eating disorder. I cooked. I ate. I exercised much less than I wanted to. This rhythm helped me prepare for the impending “real world” which would include work. When I was in program, we worked on my self esteem, prior traumas, and what work would look like. How would I eat? Where would I eat? What would I say if coworkers noticed my weight gain?
Each stage of my treatment was necessary… for me. Some people I know only did one of these types of treatment. Others did only two. Still others found recovery with weekly dietician and therapy appointments.
The key is to be open and honest with oneself. If I’ve learned anything in the recent weeks, it’s that personal recovery is absolutely essential. Living with any speck of an eating disorder is no way to live. Improved energy, physical health, clarity, self esteem, and meaningful relationships are only some of the fruits of recovery, and recovery is only possible with at least some level of treatment.
Yesterday, I ate over 100% of my meal plan.
I did not feel guilty for doing so.
Dinner was hard to eat, but I got through it.
Today, I’m on track for 100% again.
Things are looking up.
Last night, I had a fashion show for the roommates. I have a wedding on Saturday and a bridal shower tonight, and I have the fashion sense of a dead ant (read: none). They showered me with jewelry, shawls, and girly shoes. They told me what I’d look better in. There was much laughter and shouting and whatnot.
When I lived in a (two bedroom) condo (with five other girls… oh, the memories) during my outpatient treatment, we all handled things so well. We cooked together. We shopped together. We ate together. We participated in anything revolving food… together. And we all grew and learned and encouraged and received encouragement.
But, we were patients in a treatment program first, and roommates second. This is not how I want to relate to J. Unlike the girls in the condo, I see a potentially lasting friendship and, er, roommate-ship with her. So talking about food and exchanges and exercise plans and meal plans and therapy nonstop is not ideal.
But, sometimes that’s what I want. There is no one else in my life (besides a few friends from my support group, but neither of them deal with restricting) who lives in the same proximity who GETS it. sometimes I crave the ability to relate.
So, finding a healthy balance for both of us remains to be seen. But the cool thing is, I can feel myself getting into a good rhythm of casually mentioning ED and recovery type things, but above all being myself and just acting like a goofball.
Last week was hell.
Besides being constantly hungry and sick from a plethora of caffeine and next to no food, my mind was playing insane tricks on me.
Living with an anorexic is hard, when one is trying to resist anorexia.
I had emergency sessions with my therapist and dietician. I tried to eat but couldn’t get above 40% of my meal plan. I was going downhill.
Time for reinforcements in the forms of my best friend and boyfriend.
I came up with a goal. If I was not FULLY back on track by Thanksgiving, I would move out. I have no idea where I’d move, but the goal was to provide motivation, and not actually have to relocate.
The prospect of moving has propelled me to eat. 60-ish% on Saturday. 75% yesterday. And I’m aiming for 100% today.
Let’s get this straight. I don’t want to eat. I want to starve. I want to “be thin” (whatever that means). I want to look like her.
But I can’t always get what I want.
As the title of this post suggests, I have not been feeling so hot.
It started a week and a half ago, when I completely lost my appetite. And when I did eat, I was nauseous. At first I just thought it was the heat, but it kept happening.
Turns out, I have ulcers.
I had them last year (along with a slew of other health problems) but they vanished (thank you, drugs) by February. The thing is, I had no symptoms last time. This time around, I hurt. A lot.
My mindset towards ED recovery is positive. It could be a total mindf-ck, as I have been cleared to eat less than usual. But I’m trying to consume as much as my ulcers will allow me. I haven’t purged for a week, which has been the best I’ve been for over a month.
I’m going to win.
Also posted on Run, Write, Repeat… my manifesto on exercise. What do you think about exercising intuitively?
My relationship with exercise has been rocky at best, and dangerous at worse. And I’ve found that exercising when I feel like it is best for me.
I don’t know if there is such a thing as Intuitive Exercise, but it’s what I’ve coined my plan.
I’ll be training for a half marathon soon, and of course by then, I’ll have more of a set schedule for training. But right now, I exercise anywhere from 2 to 4 days a week at moderate intensity. I run. I spin. I try to stay out of the gym as much as possible, and head outdoors to hike and jog and be one with Orange County’s beautiful surroundings.
I used to have a spreadsheet where I would plan the week’s workout routines and then log my mileage and/or intensity. To be honest, it took the fun out of exercise. And that’s why I do it: to improve my sleep and cognitive abilities, to have fun, and just feel good.
So here’s what you can expect from my fitness posts:
- Injury treatment and prevention, because I am the Queen of Hurts
- Reviews of classes and DVDs
- Reviews of Orange County running spots
- Race recaps
- Honest posts about how I feel while exercising, or why I decided not to exercise
Everyone has different desires and needs when it comes to exercise or food. I can only offer my thoughts and opinions (as a non-medical professional) based on what I know about myself and what I’ve learned from experience.
For more on over (and under) exercising, and finding a healthy medium, check out The Exercise Balance
I originally posted this on Run, Write, Repeat but thought this was a valid topic for this blog.
Disclaimer: As a person in ED recovery, see a dietician before starting Intuitive Eating. It’s imperative that you are eating enough, on a stable meal plan, and have your hunger/fullness cues back BEFORE starting to eat intuitively. Here’s an excerpt:
…I love my processed foods, though I try not to eat them very much. Yes, I am very much into healthy living and try to promote unprocessed, whole, “real” foods as much as possible. But if there is a food “movement” I follow religiously, it would be that of Intuitive Eating.
IE is the anti-diet. Eat what you want. Eat when you’re hungry. Stop when you’re file. Wash.Rinse.Repeat.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Not really.
Here’s why diets don’t work.
The basis premise of most (not all) diets is to restrict caloric intake in order to lose weight. The problem is, most of these diets instruct the person to restrict an unhealthy amount of calories, which puts the body into a mode of starvation. The body then tells the brain, “Help, I need food in order to function properly.” Ever feel tired or lethargic, or even strangely obsessed with food when on a diet? These are all properties of starvation mode. The metabolism gets out of whack as well, and the body loses its inherent cues for hunger and fullness.
Then comes the binge.
Inevitably, the body will win. The dieting person will eat because he or she is hungry. Most of the time, the person will eat more than ever before. Ever wonder why you ended up gaining weight and stopping the diet?
Because diets don’t work
The body was not meant to be starved.
In the coming weeks, I will be blogging about Intuitive Eating, and the ten basic principles of the program. I will also post about “set point theory”, which is the concept that our bodies have a… err… set point weight that it likes to be at, and is the weight in which you can eat whatever you want and maintain that weight.
I’ve been following Intuitive Eating for over six months, and have been at the same weight for about a year. This is after years of buying pants in every size spectrum seemingly every month.
So, I’m not a food blogger. And you won’t find a “weight loss story” on this blog because weight-loss won’t ever be spoken about here. Healthy, intuitive, living is the focus of this blog and my life, and I’m the happiest I have ever been.
No calorie counting. No food obsessions. That’s what I call a healthy relationship with food.
(You can buy Intuitive Eating here)
So, you don’t want to recover from your eating disorder. Or, you do, but not right now because you don’t feel like it.
You’re scared. You’re angry. You don’t want to eat.
Eating doesn’t sound “good” to you.
Well… tough?
I want to be encouraging if you’re reading this and in this situation, but the only thing I can think of is…
Eat anyway. Because:
- You will never “feel like eating”
- You will hate food
- You will feel “fat”
- You will think that you’re eating too much
- You will want to go back to your eating disorder
- You will grieve your eating disorder and miss it
- You will want to go back to your eating disorder
But these feelings DO fade.
You just have to eat.
No, it’s not easy.
No, it’s not fun.
And yes, it will probably be the toughest thing you’ve ever done.
But you have to do it. No amount of therapy or treatment will help if you don’t eat according to your meal plan, or at the very least, the amount of calories to hit your basal metabolic rate. Which yes, will seem l ike a lot of calories.
But you can do it. Like others have before you.
And you should start today.
I’m a bit spoiled.
When daylight savings time rolls around, I abandon the gym and head out to the local trails a few nights a week. This is what I have to look forward to.
Given the past few days I’ve had, I have treasured these runs and the views. I took the beauty for granted for a long time, but last week I brought my phone out with me and stopped a few times to take some pictures and soak it in.
It’s amazing what happens when one stops for a second. Physical fitness isn’t impacted in the slightest. Emotional stability is heightened. Happy day.
Tomorrow will be exactly a year since entering residential treatment.
I thought about making a list of contrasts, showing how my life is different, but it’s pretty evident in this blog already. My interests are the same in some capacities, but the level of time they take up in my life is vastly different.
For instance, I still like to run. A lot. But tracking my workouts, punishing myself after a bad run, or tracking my time to the milisecond is no longer a part of my life.
Looking angry at the finish line? Apparently that’s still there.
I’m incredibly interested in the world of eating disorders, as a person who is actively in recovery. I’m interested enough in the disorder and patient to want to go to grad school for psychology and spend my life working in that field.
However, I find it more difficult to write about the topic on a daily basis, and I want this blog to be updated as often as possible.
I love to run. I love good food. I love to write. I love music. I love to travel. I love my friends. I love being open about these things instead of being in such an insular world.
As you might have noticed, I will be switching things up in regards to post topics, while still keeping recovery-centered topics on a weekly basis, at minimum.
However, the name of this blog needs to change.
Sure, I hate the ED, but it’s not much of my life anymore.
I introduce you to…
Right now, it’s just a work in progress. I’ll be typing away on this blog, for now. But hopefully soon, I’ll be merging. Probably after the book club ends. (Are you in??)
If you’re handy in the Photoshop/graphic design areas, I could use a nice logo for Run, Write, Repeat!!
Also, today I will most likely be quietly reflecting on the past year (and what it’s been a year.) What about your past year of recovery, or attempts at recovery? What have you learned?
